this month has been a blur.
lost a job i hated and still found myself feeling damn shitty about myself.
got a job i thought i’d love but… but?
can’t focus, can’t sleep. can’t can’t can’t.
i’d like to just come out and say that i haven’t been quite myself lately. things have changed undeniably. actually things have been changing since the day i was born. and nothing really stays the same. if anything did it would be change. blah blah. bored myself with the thought of a dissertation on change…
so i came home today from another blah of a day. my first day at work and accomplished nada. woke up this morning and turned on my laptop which was plopped next to my pillow. yes folks - i sleep with my laptop. and i know it’s not a good substitute for human warmth but this is the best i can get.
worse, i have become a cyber addict. yes i know i was probably gonna end up one inevitably but - i am on this unbelievable island that people actually save their asses for to come visit for a week. yes i live here. yet every night i find myself typing away in my room, complaining about all sorts of shit to anyone who will listen instead of running wild in the streets or beaches of chaweng. funny. not really. so i was posting in forums all night and making friends with people from i dunno - ghanna? until my eyes couldnt take the bright UV beams from the screen.
this is my life. wander around in cyberspace until my eyes drop. or wander around the sex jungle called chaweng until my body drops. in short, i have to be bloody tired in order to get some sleep. why? i just don’t want to think anymore once i’m tucked under my covers by - by the way - no one.
btw i haven’t had a real hug for 6 months. ok 2 kasi dumalaw si anchik. pero diba i used to be miss huggy, remember me saying "sabi nila, you need four hugs a day to be emotionally healthy - so here’s one."
i’ve got all this pent up anger, annoyance and bitterness in me and it’s turning me into someone i don’t like. where’s the real kim - the bubbly, naive, sweet and adorable 20 something year old that everybody loved? (hehe or so i’d like to think). where’s bld youth fanatic whose life used to revolve around the ministry? the ate who’d rush home after work to sleep all day on cherie’s bed - ahahaha. the girl who loved nothing more than to chat the night away with friends.
thing is i’m not a little girl anymore and i’m not in the phils. i can’t smile my way out of things or run to dear old dad when things gets tough. neither can i continue this neverending trend of crawling under the covers when things turn sour.
GET UP KIM!
today, i came home once again to a mess of a home. towels on the floor. couldn’t even find my bed underneath the last week’s pile of threads. outside, the wind was strong.
without thinking, i opened up all my windows. all 4 of them. i let the soaked air come pouring in. like a scene from a movie, i just stood there and let it all in. then i picked them all up, one by one and finally cleaned up my act. it was a painful and awfully time consuming thing.
this isn’t just cleaning out the closet. i am not eminem. i can’t rap and i’m not white trash. hmm neither is eminem by the looks of it these days.
it’s more like scrubbing the toilet. the toilet bowl. yes that’s right. the toilet bowl. it’s like having one of those lil stuff that miss the center of the bowl and hang around there like a big smudge on the white walls mocking you. i know it’s gross - but you know what, it is gross. i know, gross choices of imagery - but what am i supposed to do. i seem to be thinking of shit and taking a lot of shit lately.
and no matter how many times you flush the toilet, it’s still there. you really have to get in there and scrape it off no matter how filthy or smelly it is. or else you’ll just have to learn to live with the stench. and no one wants to smell like shit for the rest of their lives.
